Held...

One month ago today, our Hadley was born and then welcomed into Heaven.  

I ask you to please let this song play while you read this post.

I know she is being held by him today...

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling. 

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair. 

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior? 

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This morning, we got up and drove to the cemetery.  Daniel and I came up with the idea to release a balloon each month on the 28th.  We released one today, we will release 2 for her two months, 3 for three months, etc.  

 

It was hard driving there this morning.  I kept thinking what was happening a month ago at this time.  I started thinking about when I held Hadley for the first time.  Daniel brought her to me and it was the most precious moment of my life.  I just kept telling her how beautiful she was and how much we loved her.  I told her about her big sister and how we were going to miss her.  I told her that Jesus loves her and he will hold her until I can again.

 

Most of that Monday it was just Daniel and I in the room.  Our parents had been there since the middle of the night and they were in the waiting room all day on Monday.  They couldn't and didn't want to leave us.  They just waited for when we would need them...we were being "held" by so many people that day.  In their thoughts, prayers, and arms.  The support we received was overwhelming.  I remember our wonderful nurse, Shelly, stayed with us in the room and talked with Daniel and I for over an hour.  We talked about how beautiful Hadley was and what kind of memorial we wanted to have.  We were so blessed to be "held" by her  and others during our stay. 

Daniel had to work today and so we drove separate cars to the cemetery because he was going to go in late.  When he put Briley in the car and kissed us goodbye I told him that I would probably sit there in the car for awhile and not to worry.  He simply said, "I know".  I did pretty well, releasing the balloon and visiting her graveside, but when Daniel left, I lost it.  Thank goodness for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to distract sweet Briley...I didn't want her to see how upset I was.  I sat there for awhile and played our family song and just cried.  It might be a little odd to take a picture of yourself crying (and I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable) but for some reason I want to remember how I felt in that exact moment this morning and writing on this blog  and including pictures is helping me heal...

Today, Jesus is not only holding Hadley, but He is holding me.  If He wasn't, I wouldn't be able to make it.  I'm so thankful for what He does for us.  He holds me tight and tighter than anyone else can.  I think my tears in this picture are symbolic of the season of rain I'm experiencing right now and that's why I want to remember it. 

When I was typing this post, the doorbell rang.  It was a package.  I prayed while I was opening it that it was what I was hoping for.  

And it was...

What a more perfect day for this to arrive!!  I can't wait for Daniel to put this in her garden.   

She will forever be in our hearts and forever Held by Him.

God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

Please think of our sweet Hadley today.  

In Christ's Love,