Midweek Randoms...

I love summer.  Our week so far has been the perfect summer fun.

 This week we have...

Been on the lake riding the new family jet ski!!

Taken Briley to see her first movie, Winnie the Pooh!!  She did pretty good, only got up a few times and lucky for us we had the whole row to ourselves so we let her wander just a bit.  She keeps talking about Pooh and Tigger!!

(Don't you love her m&m chocolate face?? We had to get her favorite candy for her first movie experience!!)

We also had a fun swim playdate with great friends!

I also have accomplished two more "pins" this week.  This website can sure make a not so creative girl feel pretty crafty!!

Source: makeandtakes.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Even in this heat I am loving our summer!!

I have to share one more thing before I end this post.  A couple weeks ago I linked up with the blog, Still Life With Circles, to complete the Right Where I Am project.  You posted the numbers of days, months, years, etc. that you were from your loss and how you were handling your grief at that time.  You can read mine here.

Another blogger, Jack, who lost his second child in March, also linked up with the project.  He did something amazing from this.  He read every single entry in that link up (160) and created this beautiful piece of artwork from it...

You can click on it to make it bigger.  Here is an excerpt from his blog about the project...

"This piece is dedicated to the 160 babyloss parents who took part in Angie's epic Right Where I Am project (as of July 18) and to all of our babies that were lost. It is also dedicated to the thousands of faceless parents around the world that lose babies every year (some 30,000 in America alone). I originally joined the project because I wanted to soak up as much as I could from everyone who has gone before us. And as I feel Margot slipping away from me as the days without her trudge on, I felt like this was a way for me to be close to her and to honor her death. So, I read and read and read, all the way up to last night, when I read and filed away the 160th post in the project. "

I zoomed in on my excerpt in the below picture.  It's funny I only read through it once and was able to find mine immediately.  My writing is in the black box along with Hadley's name at the bottom.

 Isn't that amazing?  When I feel so incredibly alone in my grief I'm going to read this and remember I am definitely not alone.  Not only is GOD with me but other baby loss mom's and dad's are right there with me as well!!!

Hope your week is treating you well!!

In Christ's Love,

Right Where I Am: 3 months 1 week 2 days

The Right Where I Am project is a project created by Angie from Still Life With Circles for the community of men and women who have experienced pregnancy loss and infant death. The idea is that every one of us, from the earliest stages of grief until years or decades out from their loss, write about what it is like right where they are. Each person writes about the way grief has integrated into their life and their child is part of their family.

Where am I right now?  

3 months 1 week and 2 days.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now.  I "should" still be pregnant with Hadley.  I haven't tried to think about what week I would be and I've done a good job of putting that in the back of my mind...until now.   As her original due date approaches the week I "should" be is slapping me in the face this month.  

I would be 37 weeks tomorrow. (Slap)

Instead I am 3 months 1 week and 2 days from when we said goodbye. (Slap)

Our amazing Pastor is sending us a series of 4 books over the next year about dealing with grief.  They are very short books and I finished the first one he sent us in about an hour.  We received the second one a couple days ago.  A couple of the chapters are really sticking out to me:

1.  When the Loss Sinks In

2.  A Good Cry

3.  The Year of Firsts

4.  You Cannot NOT Grieve

5.  Grief Affects Your Entire Self

When the loss sinks in.  It has sunk very hard in my heart.  The only thing keeping me from drowning in my grief is my faith in Him and the blessings He has given me.  

A good cry.  I definitely do not lack in this area.  I have good (and not so good) cry's pretty often.  I'm thankful to Daniel for understanding that my sudden anger is not directed towards him...it's my grief.  Unfortunately, Daniel sometimes has to be my "punching bag" for my grief and he takes it like no other.  What would I do without him? 

The year of firsts.  This one hurts bad.  Not only do we have to deal with a year of firsts without Hadley but we have to deal with a year of firsts without Daniel's Mom.  They died 6 weeks apart.  Thinking about that now is really hard.  When we were in the midst of it then it was all a blur.  Now really thinking about it and looking back well I have to be honest...it sucks.  Daniel and I keep telling ourselves to hold on tight to each other and make it as best as we can to 2012.

You cannot NOT Grieve.  There isn't an hour that goes by in the day that I don't think of Hadley, but sometimes I want to think it didn't happen.  I think that's a normal feeling (denial) but I can't ever put myself in that place entirely.  The hurt is always there even if I try to ignore it.  It may be weird to say but I don't want the hurt to go away...I feel closer to her when I'm hurting the most.  I hurt because I want to hold her again and I know God is holding me until I can.

Grief affects your entire self.  I have tried really hard to not let myself get lost in my grief.  I have a wonderful husband and beautiful little girl here on earth to take care of and I know God doesn't want me to grieve so hard that I'm losing myself in it.  But I do agree with this statement.  The losses our family had endured this year have affected us entirely.

Where am I right now?  I'm right where I should be.  It hurts, it stinks, it's not fun.  

But HE is here with me.  Right now, this very second in my grief.  He will continue to be with me every day.  Even when "right where I am" is 5 years, 10 years, 50 years.  He will still be with me and what is even more calming to my heart is that Hadley is with HIM.  I long for the day I can fully be with my Jesus and my Hadley.  Until then I am right where I am...grieving, loving my family with all my heart, and simply trusting in HIS plan.

In Christ's Love,