Monday, June 6, 2011

Right Where I Am: 3 months 1 week 2 days

The Right Where I Am project is a project created by Angie from Still Life With Circles for the community of men and women who have experienced pregnancy loss and infant death. The idea is that every one of us, from the earliest stages of grief until years or decades out from their loss, write about what it is like right where they are. Each person writes about the way grief has integrated into their life and their child is part of their family.

Where am I right now?  
3 months 1 week and 2 days.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now.  I "should" still be pregnant with Hadley.  I haven't tried to think about what week I would be and I've done a good job of putting that in the back of my mind...until now.   As her original due date approaches the week I "should" be is slapping me in the face this month.  

I would be 37 weeks tomorrow. (Slap)

Instead I am 3 months 1 week and 2 days from when we said goodbye. (Slap)

Our amazing Pastor is sending us a series of 4 books over the next year about dealing with grief.  They are very short books and I finished the first one he sent us in about an hour.  We received the second one a couple days ago.  A couple of the chapters are really sticking out to me:
1.  When the Loss Sinks In
2.  A Good Cry
3.  The Year of Firsts
4.  You Cannot NOT Grieve
5.  Grief Affects Your Entire Self

When the loss sinks in.  It has sunk very hard in my heart.  The only thing keeping me from drowning in my grief is my faith in Him and the blessings He has given me.  

A good cry.  I definitely do not lack in this area.  I have good (and not so good) cry's pretty often.  I'm thankful to Daniel for understanding that my sudden anger is not directed towards's my grief.  Unfortunately, Daniel sometimes has to be my "punching bag" for my grief and he takes it like no other.  What would I do without him? 

The year of firsts.  This one hurts bad.  Not only do we have to deal with a year of firsts without Hadley but we have to deal with a year of firsts without Daniel's Mom.  They died 6 weeks apart.  Thinking about that now is really hard.  When we were in the midst of it then it was all a blur.  Now really thinking about it and looking back well I have to be sucks.  Daniel and I keep telling ourselves to hold on tight to each other and make it as best as we can to 2012.

You cannot NOT Grieve.  There isn't an hour that goes by in the day that I don't think of Hadley, but sometimes I want to think it didn't happen.  I think that's a normal feeling (denial) but I can't ever put myself in that place entirely.  The hurt is always there even if I try to ignore it.  It may be weird to say but I don't want the hurt to go away...I feel closer to her when I'm hurting the most.  I hurt because I want to hold her again and I know God is holding me until I can.

Grief affects your entire self.  I have tried really hard to not let myself get lost in my grief.  I have a wonderful husband and beautiful little girl here on earth to take care of and I know God doesn't want me to grieve so hard that I'm losing myself in it.  But I do agree with this statement.  The losses our family had endured this year have affected us entirely.

Where am I right now?  I'm right where I should be.  It hurts, it stinks, it's not fun.  

But HE is here with me.  Right now, this very second in my grief.  He will continue to be with me every day.  Even when "right where I am" is 5 years, 10 years, 50 years.  He will still be with me and what is even more calming to my heart is that Hadley is with HIM.  I long for the day I can fully be with my Jesus and my Hadley.  Until then I am right where I am...grieving, loving my family with all my heart, and simply trusting in HIS plan.

In Christ's Love,


Hope's Mama said...

Here via Angie's project. So sorry for the loss of Hadley. This must be such a difficult time for you, especially with a due date still looming. I will be thinking about you.
With much love.

Lisa said...

Melissa, I'm sorry for the passing of your precious Hadley. I also remember thinking about how I still should have been pregnant and my original due date. Hang in there. It sounds like you have a good support system through your church. I don't know what books you've been sent but one that I love is Safe in the Loving Arms of God. Sending hugs your way.

still life angie said...

I am so sorry that Hadley is not with you. thank you for sharing right where you are. xo

Fireflyforever said...

I'm arriving late via Angie's project. I am sorry little Hadley is not still growing in you and I am sorry that her grandma died so recently too. Such a lot to deal with.

I hope the next few weeks pass gently for you as hadley's due date comes and goes.

I am pleased that your faith in God is sustaining you - I have struggled profoundly with that in the two years since my daughter passed away but I feel encouraged when I read of those who are finding a way through in faith.