Day 17

Day 17 {Anniversary, Birthday, Due Date}
The day she was born... 2-28-2011

Her Due Date 6-28-2011

Her 1st Birthday 2-28-2012

I woke up on her 1st birthday at 2:15 am so I could tell her Happy Birthday and that I loved her so very much!!

This is the first time I have ever shared her pictures on our blog...I contemplated it for awhile but I can't think of anything else I would want to show for the day she was born other than her picture.   I told a friend today that I can't stand being "that girl" with our friends that you have to worry about telling your pregnant, or having your newborn around, or not sure to share something exciting your child did that Hadley should be doing, etc.  My sweet friend reminded me that God has chosen for me to be "that girl" and it's what I do with the path He has given me that matters most to Him.
It's not easy being "that girl" but God isn't always as concerned with our emotions as He is with our salvation.  I'm so glad my salvation is covered by the blood of Jesus.  
I may not get to spend Hadley's birthdays with her on earth but I will be with her forever in eternity because of my Savior.
Being "that girl" yesterday, today, and tomorrow just means I'm one day closer to Heaven...and I'm going to keep on living for God's glory in the midst of this pain.
Blessings, Melissa

Fan or a Follower?

Daniel and I have started attending a small group at our new church and we were able to watch the last couple episodes of a study they have been doing titled, Fan or Follower?  Just the few episodes we have seen has really impacted me...

...am I a fan or a follower?  

I want to say I'm a follower.  I think parts of me are.  But I'm not completely there.  I want to be SO bad and I know Jesus is clearing MY (yucky and sinful) path so I can TRULY follow him.  Every day, every hour, every minute, every second.  A fan is someone on the sidelines and I absolutely do not want to be left there. 

HE isn't asking much...how can I just be a fan when he's holding out his hand and giving me eternity with God?  I know I'm saved by His grace but I think what I'm asking myself tonight is what am I doing with my salvation that shows I'm not just a fan but a follower?

He's given me everything I need to be a follower...I can't let HIM down.

Glory to HIM...

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?

 

 **Preface-very long post.

 

Let me take you back to 3 weeks ago...

Tuesday, May 1st
I had just finished Kindergarten roundup at school and I was exhausted.  I had felt pretty puny all day and something in my head was telling me to go get a pregnancy test.  Well actually my sweet friend Cyndee at school said you better go home and take a test!!  I picked up a cheapy one at Dollar General not thinking to much about it and came home to eat a late dinner with Daniel and Briley.  To back up even a little further, yes Daniel and I had started trying.  We both felt emotionally ready being over a year out from our sweet Hadley.  It was taking us longer this time than it had with Briley (3 months), Hadley (1 month) and I will admit I was feeling discouraged.  The day before I took the test my sweet Husband sent me this picture...

 (Can you tell how lucky I am to have him?  I am, he's amazing.)

Back to May 1st-we were overjoyed when this came across the tests...

We were pregnant.  When I saw that beautiful line I immediately got on my knees in my bathroom and prayed to God this exact prayer, "Oh God, thank you for this beautiful gift you given to us.  I am not worthy.  Please see this precious life to full term and brought home safely, I beg you.  God you are so Good." I ran in to tell Daniel and we were both a little shocked but of course excited.  

I will tell you finding out your pregnant after a loss is overwhelming.  I immediatley thought/felt these things:

1.  Pain- Hadley, precious girl I miss you so much.

2.  Excitement- This is my time...this is our rainbow baby!

3.  Extreme Fear- How am I going to make it 9 months?

I called my wonderful Dr. the next day and we had me set up for a early sonogram to make sure everything was ok.  It was scheduled for May 14th.  12 days from now.  I thought to myself, "ok you can do this Melissa.  Make a countdown to get you through."  That's exactly what I did.  I wrote on our bathroom mirror and each day I would erase it and change the number.  We used countdowns with Hadley and there is something about it that brings me peace. 

Friday, May 4th

So Friday came and we went out to eat to celebrate my mother-in-laws 52nd birthday.  We thought it would be a great time to tell Daniel's Dad and sister.  We went to eat at Tammie's favorite restaurant, On the Border, and at the end of the meal we had Briley tell her Papa and Auntie that Mommy had a baby in her tummy!  I think they were both expecting it especially when Daniel's Dad said, "Well I already knew!  I saw the test in the bathroom today."  LOL.  He had spent the day with Daniel and Briley while I was at work and stumbled upon our tests!  They were so completely excited for us and we knew Tammie/Nonnie was going to take care of our new baby.

We decided to drive to my Mom and Dad's (Gigi and Pa) and surprise them.  We had a great plan to text a special picture to my Mom and Dad and then be at the door to surprise them.  Well of course that didn't work out and we had to ring the doorbell and eventually I just showed my Mom the picture.  We could here her phone ringing from a text but she was completely ignoring it because her grand-baby was there!!  This was the picture we showed them...

All 3 of our sweet babies...

My parents were thrilled.  We also told my brothers and my brother Andrew (who lives in Boston) said, "Well I definitely have to move back home now!"

We knew we wanted to tell our parents pretty quickly after finding out.  We are blessed to be so close to them and I can't imagine keeping it from them.  We also told a few very close friends and we felt ok with that.  We wanted their prayers and they were lifting up up everyday from the second we told them.

The week of May 7th-11th

I was nervous everyday at school.  I drank an insane amount of water, sat at my desk to teach, sat on the bench at recess, and tried everything I could to take it easy.  I was a Momma bird protecting this sweet little baby bird inside of me.  I would come home and SIT.  I was doing everything right.

Sunday, May 13th

Mother's Day (Day before Sonogram)

I had a wonderful Mother's Day.  We woke up and went to our new church, went to visit Hadley and Nonnie at Bluebonnet, went to my Uncles and spent time with family, and then ended by eating dinner with Papa and Auntie in honor of Nonnie for her Mother's Day in Heaven.  Here I am with all three of my sweet babies...

Monday, May 14th

SONO DAY!!!

We had made it.  I was so excited and ready to see this sweet baby on the screen.  I made it through the work day and left a little early, came home to get Daniel and Briley, and then we left to go.  I was nervous but I felt a peace.  I couldn't wait.  We were seeing Janet (the sono lady) and we know her pretty well and I was looking forward to seeing her again.  She called us back and started the sono.  Her face immediately alarmed me.  She said was I sure I was 6 weeks or more?  I didn't actually think I was that far along.  I figured more like 5 weeks 4 days or so.  There was no baby visible but she did see a yolk sac and everything else looked very normal.  She said most likely we were just too early to see a "fetal pole" yet and for me to come back in a week or so and be a little further along.  Daniel was very positive and was great with the news.  Of course I wasn't.  I immediately felt uneasy and felt a tugging in my heart that was all too familiar.  In my head, "No God, don't do this.  PLEASE."  I was begging him in my head, pleading.  We did get a picture of the most beautiful yolk sac I have ever seen...

We scheduled the next appt. for Wednesday, May 23rd and we left.

Our family and friends were so supportive and positive.  They couldn't wait until our next sono and to see the baby.  We were being so lifted up in prayer!!

The week of May 21-25th

Another countdown begins...

During this week it was more taking it easy, sitting in my chair, drinking my water, not doing any housework, etc.  The tugging in my heart was still very present and it wouldn't go away.  What was God telling me?  That week we got a quick little storm in our area and the most beautiful thing happened.  God gave us an absolutely beautiful complete rainbow...

I knew God was giving me a sign that this rainbow was for us.

Friday, May 18th

Field day at my school

Feeling a little uneasy about being on my feet and outside all day for field day I called my doctor to see what he thought.  He didn't think there was any reason for me to do that and said to take the day off and relax.  That is exactly what I did and my sweet girl and I went to lunch and I had a perfect day with her...

Wednesday, May 23rd

2nd Sono Day

We made it again!!  I was so excited.  I had taken a half day off work so I only had to go in for the morning and when I got home I once again got Briley and Daniel and we headed to see Janet once more.  I was VERY anxious.  I was shaky and couldn't think straight.  I asked Daniel if he felt ok and he said, "Absolutely, everything is going to be fine."  I told him I wished I felt the same (more tugging).  We got in very quickly to see Janet and she started the sono.  I searched her face for any hope.  I wasn't even looking at the screen.  I whispered to her, "Does it look ok??" She looked down and softly shook her head no.  I will tell you the pain you feel when someone tells you that your baby isn't there is more than heart wrenching.  It's unbearable.  I put my hand in my heads and just shook my head and said, "No God No God, NO!" I was sobbing.  Daniel was holding my arm and squeezing me and I could feel his pain run through me.  Briley immediately began begging me, "Please Mommy don't cry, it's ok, Mommy please don't cry."  Janet immediately got Dr. Neal on the phone and he was in there in a matter of seconds.  He was so happy to see us but he knew it wasn't good.  He told me that what I had was labeled as an "enlarged yolk sac".  There was no baby present.  I immediately asked him if he thought there ever was a baby to begin with?  He said absolutely but it was probably the size of a grain of sand and was too small and never grew.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Melissa, God took this baby for some reason.  Maybe something was wrong with the baby and he needed it with him." I looked back at him through tear filled eyes and just nodded.  Janet asked a few questions about Hadley, when we lost her, etc. and the tears kept coming.  Dr. Neal looked over at our sweet precious 1st born and said, "I'm going to help you get one of those again, I promise.  It will happen again Melissa."  He recommended a D & C and said his nurse would call later about a surgery time tomorrow.  Our options were wait it out to let the miscarriage happen or have Dr. Neal take care of me.  I knew I needed Dr. Neal to do the procedure...I couldn't handle a countdown with an unknown end.

We walked out of the office and as I was buckling Briley in her seat I was crying and she said to me, "Mommy there was no baby?"  I told her, "No sweetheart our baby went to Heaven with Nonnie and Hadley."  She replied, "Oh good, God will take care of her."  Her?  Daniel had said nothing to Briley about what happened in the sonogram room and she was very quiet when Dr. Neal was explaining everything to us.  Her sweet, young little mind absolutely knew what was going on in that room and God was giving her heart peace.  What a worthy God we serve...

 

We called our parents first and then I called my friend Channan (best friend through MEND), and then I sent this text to a few friends that knew...

"It wasn't what we hoped to see,  It was an enlarged yolk sac.  I could feel it in my heart that something was wrong I just kept pushing it away.  My heart is broken.  I need your prayers.  I just don't understand.  I'm not sure I can handle this pain.  I feel helpless...Love yall."

We went home and I was crying...and crying...and crying.  My husband isn't much of a talker and he handles grief VERY differently than me but I could see the pain in his eyes and he was SO STRONG.  I told him I felt like a failure and he said absolutely not.  He said there is nothing we can do to change this and it sucks, but we can get through it.  It will happen again like Dr. Neal said.  I asked him, "Why does God think we can handle this??"  Of course Daniel simply said, "I don't know but he made ME for you and YOU for me and we will get through it together."

Thursday, May 24th

2 losses...

So here we are...back to today.  I've had my D & C and I'm home.  I'm in a little bit of pain but it's nothing compared to my heart.  I honestly feel like I'm losing Hadley again and it's like my grief is hitting me with ton of bricks over and over.  Right now I'm absolutely broken.  I never got to see this baby on the screen or see its precious heart beat.  But I absolutely know it did and our baby was alive in me. 

What my head is thinking right now...

1.  Why?  Why do I have to be in the group of women who have suffered more than 1 loss?  Why do I have to now say that I lost our premature daughter and suffered a miscarriage?

2.  Pain- Can I make it through another loss?  Am I strong enough?

3.  Anger- I'm so angry I could throw this computer across the room.  

What my heart is telling me...

1.  BROKEN

2. BROKEN

3.  BROKEN

What GOD is telling my head and heart...

1.  Strength- Precious daughter do not try to be strong.  I will carry you through this and fight for you Melissa...you need only be still. (Exodus 14:14)

2.  Comfort- I am here.  Cry out to me. Ask me why, be angry.  I can take it.  I love you more than life and I will protect you.  I know all your days past and to come.  Every day of your life is in my book and it was there before one day came to pass Melissa. (Psalm 139)

3.  Hope- Melissa haven't I told you before that I am the beginning and the end?  I make all things new...I'm not here to hurt you.  I have plans to prosper you and give you HOPE for the future.  This is not the end of your story sweet child.  (Jeremiah 29)

Thank you for reading my heart, thank you for praying with us and for us.  We are blessed beyond measure and we thank our family and friends that have been with us every step of the way.  Not since yesterday, or 3 weeks ago, but last year in January and February when our lives changed forever.

The stitch in our heart from Hadley is bleeding out but God will mend it back once again.

Our story isn't over.

 

Our 3rd baby is in paradise with their big sister, Hadley and Nonnie.  Can you even believe how even more precious Heaven is to me now?  God is storing up my treasures in Heaven and I long for the day he brings me home... 

 

I'm sharing this post with some many of you not for your sadness, hurt, or pity for us.  I'm sharing it for the Glory to completely be given to HIM.  Please know this...HE is the reason.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Our Heavenly Hadley

I am linking up with Kelly's Korner today on her SUYL-Mom's who have lost children.
I'm thankful to Kelly for choosing this topic and allowing us to connect with other Mom's who have lost. You can start here and read about our journey.  
We are now over a year out from the loss of our Hadley and even though the sting is less each day...the ache, the pain, the why's, the hopes lost for her future, etc. are all still very present.
I am SO thankful to have a Heavenly Father that loves us so much and will take away all of my heartache when I stand in His presence in Heaven one day with our Hadley.
We have done several things to keep Hadley's memory ALIVE and PRESENT in our family even though she is not.  I want to share a few with you in hopes you might get your own ideas to honor your sweet baby!!

Her Name Gallery
A Year of Balloons
MEND Walk to Remember
MEND Candlelight ceremony
Hadley's Birthday Part 1 & Part 2
Balloon Found
 

 I am looking forward to connecting with other Mom's through this post...I pray each of us have a moment of PEACE today and realize we are not alone.  

 

"And I know there'll be days, when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain!!" ~Mercy Me

 

Happy Easter...He is Risen!!

Happy Easter from our family to yours!!

I hope you have enjoyed spending time with family like we did.

 

 

A look back...my favorite thing to do!!

  (click to see it bigger!!)

 

I will post more of our weekend and Easter festivities later this week!!

 

More importantly...

"Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.  For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him.  The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.  In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."~Romans 6:8-11

Marker, Mistake, and Meaning

Well, Hadley's marker is finally here...and there is a mistake on it.
I have been anxious for the past month about it getting here in time for her birthday and when I saw it today and there was a mistake on it I pretty much lost it.  Well, not pretty much, I did lose it.
Her middle name is spelled wrong.  Yea, it's a big mistake.  I hate that I let that mistake consume me when I saw it for the first time and wasn't able to see how absolutely beautiful it turned out.  I left Daniel and Briley there and had to get away.  I was so frustrated.  Daniel was of course amazing like he always is in my times of "craziness" and he let me be.  We drove up to the office to talk to them and fortunately for us they are going to take care of it.  I'm not really concerned about how a mistake like this happened.  I honestly wasn't even mad at Bluebonnet.  I was so incredibly disgusted with myself.  This was the one thing I wanted to be perfect for her and it's not.  All of these feelings of not being able to protect her came flooding back.  I felt that in the days after she passed asking myself over and over, why couldn't my body take care of her...my one job?  I felt that again today.  Why didn't I check the proof one more time...my one job?  I texted my sister-in-law right away while Daniel was inside and she helped calmed me down.  She was angry at Bluebonnet, I was angry at myself, we were just plain ol' angry and it felt good to have someone be angry with me :)
After Daniel had talked to the office staff we went back to look at it again.  It really turned out absolutely beautiful...just like her.  Daniel reassured me that it's no one's fault and things like this happen.  Of course the inevitable, WHY??? came out of me.  Why didn't we check the proof better?  Why did God let them make it wrong when he knew how important this was to us? Daniel's answer is what he has said to me since his Mom got sick.   I don't know why it's happening to us.We can't change it.Don't let it consume you.Be thankful for the blessings you have.     It's so simple and so true. 
Hadley doesn't care one bit that her middle name is spelled wrong.  It really got me thinking about the true meaning of her marker.  I want people to look at it and remember what a precious gift she was to our family.  I want people to look at it and it bring them peace to think of Jesus holding our Hadley.  I want people to look at it and thank God that he gave us Hadley even for a short time.  More importantly I want you to look at it and thank God for His Son.
Without him I wouldn't have eternal life with our Hadley.  Mistake...nope.  There are no mistakes in God's perfect plan.  Her marker will be fixed and my heart will be too.   I long for the day...

Enjoy the pictures of her "perfect" marker :)

It's beautiful isn't it??

The Light in Me...

I remember thinking in early summer how much I wanted 2011 to be over.  I kept saying to Daniel all year I just want it to be 2012...I wish it would hurry and get here.

Yesterday was pretty emotional for me.  I was in a yucky mood and wasn't very nice to my patient husband and I kept thinking all day what is my deal?  I have been wanting 2012 to get here so bad and with it being hours away I was very anxious.  I had this huge wave of sadness because I know that Tammie and Hadley's angel dates are quickly approaching and I can't believe it's almost been a year.

Now that it is 2012 I feel like my grief is still so strong.  I hate the idea of being so close to the time after our loss...already a year later. 

Tonight I was getting Briley ready for bed and as I was brushing her hair she was singing a song.  I couldn't really tell what she was singing so I asked her to sing it again and she said..."You put the light in me, you put the light in me, you put the light in me!"  She kept singing it over and over again and then I realized she was singing this song...

Leave it to my precious daughter to humble me.  We had a very hard year...God isn't going to deny that to us.  But, I'm not going to let myself be afraid of 2012 or look back on 2011 with pain.  I'm going to look ahead at 2012 showing EVERYONE that HE put the light in me.  That's what I'm here for.  I'm here because of HIM and I want to bring more glory to Him in 2012 than I ever have before.

I don't know what God has in store for us but I'm going to trust Him.  Just like I did before our loss and like I have been doing and will continue to do everyday after.

Here is my sweet girl singing the song she and God brought to my heart tonight...

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16

In Christ's Love,

A wonderful day with hard moments...

I went in to today thinking it was going to be a hard day with good moments...but my amazing husband put it so much better.  "It was a wonderful day with a few hard moments."  We didn't let our sadness consume us and we enjoyed such a beautiful day with our sweet little girl and close family celebrating our Savior's birth. 

I plan on posting all of this week about the fun we had this past week leading up to Christmas.  It's just too much for one post and it's wonderful memories I never want to forget so I want to blog about them.

Here are few sneak peeks of our Christmas Day!! 

Merry Christmas!!!

In Christ's Love,

Jesus, Savior

Last week we took a Christmas tree up to the cemetary to put out for Nonnie and Hadley...

I've really been having a hard time this past week and I heard this song on the radio and it has brought me peace.  

I'm not really sure how Daniel and I are supposed to get through Christmas, January, or February.  I get sick to my stomach thinking about Christmas without Tammie and Hadley.  I get sick to my stomach thinking about January 18th and February 28th.  

But then I think of this song...

"Jesus, Savior, Son of God, King of Kings.  Our salvation has a name.  Jesus, Savior, Precious Lord of everything.  Our whole world's about to change.  It will never be the same."

Tonight I'm thinking about the bigger picture.  I'm so grateful for that precious baby boy, born in a manger so many years ago.  I will have eternal life with my family because of HIM.  

My Jesus, My Savior.

In Christ's Love,