Thursday, May 24, 2012

Glory to HIM...


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?
 
 **Preface-very long post.
 
Let me take you back to 3 weeks ago...

Tuesday, May 1st
I had just finished Kindergarten roundup at school and I was exhausted.  I had felt pretty puny all day and something in my head was telling me to go get a pregnancy test.  Well actually my sweet friend Cyndee at school said you better go home and take a test!!  I picked up a cheapy one at Dollar General not thinking to much about it and came home to eat a late dinner with Daniel and Briley.  To back up even a little further, yes Daniel and I had started trying.  We both felt emotionally ready being over a year out from our sweet Hadley.  It was taking us longer this time than it had with Briley (3 months), Hadley (1 month) and I will admit I was feeling discouraged.  The day before I took the test my sweet Husband sent me this picture...
 (Can you tell how lucky I am to have him?  I am, he's amazing.)

Back to May 1st-we were overjoyed when this came across the tests...
We were pregnant.  When I saw that beautiful line I immediately got on my knees in my bathroom and prayed to God this exact prayer, "Oh God, thank you for this beautiful gift you given to us.  I am not worthy.  Please see this precious life to full term and brought home safely, I beg you.  God you are so Good." I ran in to tell Daniel and we were both a little shocked but of course excited.  

I will tell you finding out your pregnant after a loss is overwhelming.  I immediatley thought/felt these things:
1.  Pain- Hadley, precious girl I miss you so much.
2.  Excitement- This is my time...this is our rainbow baby!
3.  Extreme Fear- How am I going to make it 9 months?

I called my wonderful Dr. the next day and we had me set up for a early sonogram to make sure everything was ok.  It was scheduled for May 14th.  12 days from now.  I thought to myself, "ok you can do this Melissa.  Make a countdown to get you through."  That's exactly what I did.  I wrote on our bathroom mirror and each day I would erase it and change the number.  We used countdowns with Hadley and there is something about it that brings me peace. 

Friday, May 4th
So Friday came and we went out to eat to celebrate my mother-in-laws 52nd birthday.  We thought it would be a great time to tell Daniel's Dad and sister.  We went to eat at Tammie's favorite restaurant, On the Border, and at the end of the meal we had Briley tell her Papa and Auntie that Mommy had a baby in her tummy!  I think they were both expecting it especially when Daniel's Dad said, "Well I already knew!  I saw the test in the bathroom today."  LOL.  He had spent the day with Daniel and Briley while I was at work and stumbled upon our tests!  They were so completely excited for us and we knew Tammie/Nonnie was going to take care of our new baby.

We decided to drive to my Mom and Dad's (Gigi and Pa) and surprise them.  We had a great plan to text a special picture to my Mom and Dad and then be at the door to surprise them.  Well of course that didn't work out and we had to ring the doorbell and eventually I just showed my Mom the picture.  We could here her phone ringing from a text but she was completely ignoring it because her grand-baby was there!!  This was the picture we showed them...
All 3 of our sweet babies...
My parents were thrilled.  We also told my brothers and my brother Andrew (who lives in Boston) said, "Well I definitely have to move back home now!"

We knew we wanted to tell our parents pretty quickly after finding out.  We are blessed to be so close to them and I can't imagine keeping it from them.  We also told a few very close friends and we felt ok with that.  We wanted their prayers and they were lifting up up everyday from the second we told them.

The week of May 7th-11th
I was nervous everyday at school.  I drank an insane amount of water, sat at my desk to teach, sat on the bench at recess, and tried everything I could to take it easy.  I was a Momma bird protecting this sweet little baby bird inside of me.  I would come home and SIT.  I was doing everything right.

Sunday, May 13th
Mother's Day (Day before Sonogram)
I had a wonderful Mother's Day.  We woke up and went to our new church, went to visit Hadley and Nonnie at Bluebonnet, went to my Uncles and spent time with family, and then ended by eating dinner with Papa and Auntie in honor of Nonnie for her Mother's Day in Heaven.  Here I am with all three of my sweet babies...
Monday, May 14th
SONO DAY!!!
We had made it.  I was so excited and ready to see this sweet baby on the screen.  I made it through the work day and left a little early, came home to get Daniel and Briley, and then we left to go.  I was nervous but I felt a peace.  I couldn't wait.  We were seeing Janet (the sono lady) and we know her pretty well and I was looking forward to seeing her again.  She called us back and started the sono.  Her face immediately alarmed me.  She said was I sure I was 6 weeks or more?  I didn't actually think I was that far along.  I figured more like 5 weeks 4 days or so.  There was no baby visible but she did see a yolk sac and everything else looked very normal.  She said most likely we were just too early to see a "fetal pole" yet and for me to come back in a week or so and be a little further along.  Daniel was very positive and was great with the news.  Of course I wasn't.  I immediately felt uneasy and felt a tugging in my heart that was all too familiar.  In my head, "No God, don't do this.  PLEASE."  I was begging him in my head, pleading.  We did get a picture of the most beautiful yolk sac I have ever seen...
We scheduled the next appt. for Wednesday, May 23rd and we left.

Our family and friends were so supportive and positive.  They couldn't wait until our next sono and to see the baby.  We were being so lifted up in prayer!!

The week of May 21-25th
Another countdown begins...
During this week it was more taking it easy, sitting in my chair, drinking my water, not doing any housework, etc.  The tugging in my heart was still very present and it wouldn't go away.  What was God telling me?  That week we got a quick little storm in our area and the most beautiful thing happened.  God gave us an absolutely beautiful complete rainbow...
I knew God was giving me a sign that this rainbow was for us.

Friday, May 18th
Field day at my school
Feeling a little uneasy about being on my feet and outside all day for field day I called my doctor to see what he thought.  He didn't think there was any reason for me to do that and said to take the day off and relax.  That is exactly what I did and my sweet girl and I went to lunch and I had a perfect day with her...

Wednesday, May 23rd
2nd Sono Day
We made it again!!  I was so excited.  I had taken a half day off work so I only had to go in for the morning and when I got home I once again got Briley and Daniel and we headed to see Janet once more.  I was VERY anxious.  I was shaky and couldn't think straight.  I asked Daniel if he felt ok and he said, "Absolutely, everything is going to be fine."  I told him I wished I felt the same (more tugging).  We got in very quickly to see Janet and she started the sono.  I searched her face for any hope.  I wasn't even looking at the screen.  I whispered to her, "Does it look ok??" She looked down and softly shook her head no.  I will tell you the pain you feel when someone tells you that your baby isn't there is more than heart wrenching.  It's unbearable.  I put my hand in my heads and just shook my head and said, "No God No God, NO!" I was sobbing.  Daniel was holding my arm and squeezing me and I could feel his pain run through me.  Briley immediately began begging me, "Please Mommy don't cry, it's ok, Mommy please don't cry."  Janet immediately got Dr. Neal on the phone and he was in there in a matter of seconds.  He was so happy to see us but he knew it wasn't good.  He told me that what I had was labeled as an "enlarged yolk sac".  There was no baby present.  I immediately asked him if he thought there ever was a baby to begin with?  He said absolutely but it was probably the size of a grain of sand and was too small and never grew.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Melissa, God took this baby for some reason.  Maybe something was wrong with the baby and he needed it with him." I looked back at him through tear filled eyes and just nodded.  Janet asked a few questions about Hadley, when we lost her, etc. and the tears kept coming.  Dr. Neal looked over at our sweet precious 1st born and said, "I'm going to help you get one of those again, I promise.  It will happen again Melissa."  He recommended a D & C and said his nurse would call later about a surgery time tomorrow.  Our options were wait it out to let the miscarriage happen or have Dr. Neal take care of me.  I knew I needed Dr. Neal to do the procedure...I couldn't handle a countdown with an unknown end.

We walked out of the office and as I was buckling Briley in her seat I was crying and she said to me, "Mommy there was no baby?"  I told her, "No sweetheart our baby went to Heaven with Nonnie and Hadley."  She replied, "Oh good, God will take care of her."  Her?  Daniel had said nothing to Briley about what happened in the sonogram room and she was very quiet when Dr. Neal was explaining everything to us.  Her sweet, young little mind absolutely knew what was going on in that room and God was giving her heart peace.  What a worthy God we serve...
 
We called our parents first and then I called my friend Channan (best friend through MEND), and then I sent this text to a few friends that knew...
"It wasn't what we hoped to see,  It was an enlarged yolk sac.  I could feel it in my heart that something was wrong I just kept pushing it away.  My heart is broken.  I need your prayers.  I just don't understand.  I'm not sure I can handle this pain.  I feel helpless...Love yall."

We went home and I was crying...and crying...and crying.  My husband isn't much of a talker and he handles grief VERY differently than me but I could see the pain in his eyes and he was SO STRONG.  I told him I felt like a failure and he said absolutely not.  He said there is nothing we can do to change this and it sucks, but we can get through it.  It will happen again like Dr. Neal said.  I asked him, "Why does God think we can handle this??"  Of course Daniel simply said, "I don't know but he made ME for you and YOU for me and we will get through it together."

Thursday, May 24th
2 losses...
So here we are...back to today.  I've had my D & C and I'm home.  I'm in a little bit of pain but it's nothing compared to my heart.  I honestly feel like I'm losing Hadley again and it's like my grief is hitting me with ton of bricks over and over.  Right now I'm absolutely broken.  I never got to see this baby on the screen or see its precious heart beat.  But I absolutely know it did and our baby was alive in me. 

What my head is thinking right now...
1.  Why?  Why do I have to be in the group of women who have suffered more than 1 loss?  Why do I have to now say that I lost our premature daughter and suffered a miscarriage?
2.  Pain- Can I make it through another loss?  Am I strong enough?
3.  Anger- I'm so angry I could throw this computer across the room.  

What my heart is telling me...
1.  BROKEN
2. BROKEN
3.  BROKEN

What GOD is telling my head and heart...
1.  Strength- Precious daughter do not try to be strong.  I will carry you through this and fight for you Melissa...you need only be still. (Exodus 14:14)
2.  Comfort- I am here.  Cry out to me. Ask me why, be angry.  I can take it.  I love you more than life and I will protect you.  I know all your days past and to come.  Every day of your life is in my book and it was there before one day came to pass Melissa. (Psalm 139)
3.  Hope- Melissa haven't I told you before that I am the beginning and the end?  I make all things new...I'm not here to hurt you.  I have plans to prosper you and give you HOPE for the future.  This is not the end of your story sweet child.  (Jeremiah 29)

Thank you for reading my heart, thank you for praying with us and for us.  We are blessed beyond measure and we thank our family and friends that have been with us every step of the way.  Not since yesterday, or 3 weeks ago, but last year in January and February when our lives changed forever.

The stitch in our heart from Hadley is bleeding out but God will mend it back once again.

Our story isn't over.
 
Our 3rd baby is in paradise with their big sister, Hadley and Nonnie.  Can you even believe how even more precious Heaven is to me now?  God is storing up my treasures in Heaven and I long for the day he brings me home... 
 
I'm sharing this post with some many of you not for your sadness, hurt, or pity for us.  I'm sharing it for the Glory to completely be given to HIM.  Please know this...HE is the reason.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain


16 comments:

Laura said...

Oh Melissa...words cannot express my sorrow for you, Daniel and Briley right now. You are a such a strong woman of faith but I can't imagine how your heart is aching right now. Although our pain and suffering over the past year has been different, I found much comfort in the first book of Peter during a Bible Study I recently took - he talks a lot about why we suffer and how to suffer well...it really spoke to my heart and helped heal my wounds just a bit. I'll be praying for you guys tonight.

Wiley's Mommy said...

I am so sorry. You are such a strong lady. It will be one sweet day in Heaven when we are reunited with our babies!
Thinking of you.

Carrie Grimmett Blanton said...

Thank you so much for sharing this, Melissa. Our God is good. If there is anything you need please contact me. Sitter, play date, anything. Isabella is always up for making new friends :-)

V Sloan said...

I am so.sorry for your loss. Your faith and.strength are amazing you and your family will be in my prayers. May God give you peace and ease the pain my sweet friend. Love you

Megan said...

I am so sorry. I lost a baby at 9 wks (they said he stopped growing at 8) and I also had a D&C it was the saddest thing I've been through. But If It wasn't for my faith in our LORD then I know...I KNOW I would not have made it through. I now I have a beautiful son whom I cherish every moment. God will carry you through this and You will get your rainbow!

LauraJane said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you get your rainbow, and soon. I love your strength and faith in God, it's incredible!

Diedra Banda said...

Melissa, Daniel, and Briley,
I don't even have the words. My heart bleeds for you with tears of sorrow! I know that is not what you want of us, but what is the family of Christ if not supportive in times like these. I cannot even imagine what you all are facing. Yet even in these times, YOU are an encouragement to ME! You have reminded me that with all of the things that I am going through right now, that I need to stop trying to carry all of my loads alone and just fall back into his arms and let HIM carry me in His arms, like HIS child.
All I can offer you are the precious lessons He has taught me; to remember that He knows what He is doing, and everything comes in HIS timing. I can't even begin to understand what He is doing, but be faithful that He won't start something He isn't going to finish!
You cannot even fathom the amount of love and prayers that are extending to you and ALL of your family. God WILL bless you, I KNOW it...
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what GOD has prepared for those that love Him"...

Payton&Jake's Mommy said...

Melissa know that I'm praying for you and your sweet family. I am so very sorry that you have to start over with grief again. Thank you for sharing your story with us and showing us Gods amazing glory even in such dark times.

Sara said...

Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss again. I know the pain of multiple losses and I know how a new loss brings the previous loss right to the forefront too. I am praying for you that the Lord wraps his arms around you and comforts you in these days!

ashleigh said...

Melissa - I never comment, but read your blog often. Just wanted to encourage you and let you know that I pray for you often and will continue to do so!

Elle's mommy said...

Oh Melissa, I am so so so sorry! This life is full of so much heartache; like you said heaven is FULL of our treasures! We also had a miscarriage after losing Elle in August. We miscarried on March 29...we were 4 weeks and 5 days. God has such a big plan and I am happy to know that you have fully grasped onto his hand. I wrote a post about our miscarriage and the vulnerability that God wants to form in us. I have no idea if it would help you but it was posted on March 30th if you'd like to read and it's titled Vulnerability. I hate that you and I are connected in this way, please know that my husband and I will be praying desperately for your peace, strength and comfort during this awful time...May God be so very near...

Nicki

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. So sad that you have to endure another loss. Praying for peace and hope to fill your heart. Hugs.

Deb

Chrissy said...

Melissa, I landed here while searching for a different blog, but I know it was not an accident....

I am very sorry that you are hurting. I don't want to overload this comment, but please know that I empathize with you. (My heavenly baby's name is Sara.)

And, I teach kindergarten. I pray that God will sing over you and hide you in the shadow of His wings.

ReadWriteSing

Angie said...

I'm so sad to read this. Tears are streaming down my face and I just want to hug you! I'm keeping you and your beautiful family in my thoughts and prayers non-stop. Big huge Hugs!

Jennie Exposito said...

So sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby very early and was told during a sono just like you and had to have a d&c. My baby died from me having a partial molar pregnancy though. A PMP is where 2 sperm fertilize an egg and the egg doesn't split, it leaves the egg with too many chromosomes and the baby only develops to a point and then dies. I know what that pain is like and I'm so sorry you have to feel that. Praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a few months now and I was so sad to hear about your miscarriage. One thing that stands out to me is how strong you are through all of this. You are still being a wonderful mom to your daughter and a good wife. I can't even imagine it. I will keep you in my prayers.