Monday, February 20, 2012

Marker, Mistake, and Meaning

Well, Hadley's marker is finally here...and there is a mistake on it.
I have been anxious for the past month about it getting here in time for her birthday and when I saw it today and there was a mistake on it I pretty much lost it.  Well, not pretty much, I did lose it.

Her middle name is spelled wrong.  Yea, it's a big mistake.  I hate that I let that mistake consume me when I saw it for the first time and wasn't able to see how absolutely beautiful it turned out.  I left Daniel and Briley there and had to get away.  I was so frustrated.  Daniel was of course amazing like he always is in my times of "craziness" and he let me be.  We drove up to the office to talk to them and fortunately for us they are going to take care of it.  I'm not really concerned about how a mistake like this happened.  I honestly wasn't even mad at Bluebonnet.  I was so incredibly disgusted with myself.  This was the one thing I wanted to be perfect for her and it's not.  All of these feelings of not being able to protect her came flooding back.  I felt that in the days after she passed asking myself over and over, why couldn't my body take care of one job?  I felt that again today.  Why didn't I check the proof one more one job?  I texted my sister-in-law right away while Daniel was inside and she helped calmed me down.  She was angry at Bluebonnet, I was angry at myself, we were just plain ol' angry and it felt good to have someone be angry with me :)

After Daniel had talked to the office staff we went back to look at it again.  It really turned out absolutely beautiful...just like her.  Daniel reassured me that it's no one's fault and things like this happen.  Of course the inevitable, WHY??? came out of me.  Why didn't we check the proof better?  Why did God let them make it wrong when he knew how important this was to us?
Daniel's answer is what he has said to me since his Mom got sick.  
I don't know why it's happening to us.
We can't change it.
Don't let it consume you.
Be thankful for the blessings you have.    
It's so simple and so true. 
Hadley doesn't care one bit that her middle name is spelled wrong.  It really got me thinking about the true meaning of her marker.  I want people to look at it and remember what a precious gift she was to our family.  I want people to look at it and it bring them peace to think of Jesus holding our Hadley.  I want people to look at it and thank God that he gave us Hadley even for a short time.  More importantly I want you to look at it and thank God for His Son.

Without him I wouldn't have eternal life with our Hadley.  
Mistake...nope.  There are no mistakes in God's perfect plan.  Her marker will be fixed and my heart will be too.  
I long for the day...

Enjoy the pictures of her "perfect" marker :)
It's beautiful isn't it??


Laura said...

Beautiful. "Why." I hate that word some days. Just have faith that there will be a day when it will all be clear and you will see His plan and bask in the peace that He provides. I love the little glimpse of Briley's hand in the corner of the first picture. I've been thinking of you lately - lots of prayers going your way.

LauraJane said...

It is beautiful, and I'm sorry her middle name is incorrect. More stress and stuff to worry about that you *just* didn't need as her birthday approaches.

Elle's mommy said...

It is absolutely beautiful!