Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I have a name.

Whenever Hadley died, I wanted to search for blogs of other Mom's that had lost children.  My sweet friend Tiffany made my life a little easier and did the searching for me.  She sent me a whole list of blogs that have helped me A TON during these past 3 weeks.  One in particular that I have made a connection to is about a Mom who just lost her precious 5 month old daughter, Maddie, to SIDS.  Her blog is titled, Another Day Stronger and that is just what she/I is trying to do.  Become stronger.  Kellie (the mom) posted this the other day... 

"Someone posted this on my business page today and it's so true...A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!!"

She is right.

It is awful.  There isn't a word to describe it.  The pain at times is unbearable and I want to scream at the top of my lungs and ask God, "WHY AM I NOT STILL PREGNANT WITH MY SWEET LITTLE GIRL?? WHY CAN'T SHE GROW UP WITH HER SISTER? WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE A 1ST BIRTHDAY PARTY? OR GET MARRIED? WHY? WHY? WHY?   When I get like this I start praying right away and ask God to bring me peace at that moment...because if he doesn't I'm afraid the pain will overtake me and my body can't handle how strong the pain is.  

And then, just like that he does.  I feel...peace.

I had heard the above passage before Hadley passed away.  I think it was on the radio and a parent had called in to KLTY and talked about losing their child.  A parent that loses a child doesn't have a name.  I even mentioned this the other night when I was talking to my friend Sarah on the phone, before I read Kellie's blog.  

I've decided I don't really like this.  A parent that loses a child doesn't have a name??  

I have many names...even after this.

My name is....
Daniel's Wife
Briley's Mommy
Hadley's Mommy

Do you know what my most important and treasured name is?


Yes, we lost our Hadley.  It is definitely not what I saw happening in my life.  Ever.  But my name is Believer and I will continue to believe, trust, and follow Him.  

I'm almost finished with the book, I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith, that I talked about here
a couple days ago.  Here is one scripture she quotes that has stood out to me this week.  

 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

I love this passage.  I'm rephrasing it for my life right now...

At times I feel like I can't bear the pain anymore, and then you bring me peace.
I know that this painful season in my life is worth everything that I will be a part of in the end.
I'm not going to focus on that Hadley is not here with me, but instead on BELIEVING and trusting in the eternal life you have waiting for me when I come home to her...and you.

I do have a name after the loss of my baby...and it's because of Him that I do.

Have a wonderful week of BELIEVING in him and who you are!!

In Christ's Love,


Amanda said...

Melissa--I'm so glad you're sharing your journey as you heal. You are being a light during a time in your life when most people would say it was OK to turn your back. I'm proud to call you my co-worker, Gracie Claire's teacher, friend, and most of all, sister in Christ. Can't wait for you to introduce Hadley to me one day in Heaven. Love you!

Traci said...

I found your blog through Ms. M's blog and I had to comment.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl, Hadley. I, too, am in the club of those without a name - no widow, no orphan.

We just passed the 9 year mark since our son was born still.

I, too, also really enjoyed Angie's book. She and Todd are amazing witnesses and baby Audrey is surely amazing.

Again, I'm so sorry! ~Traci