Thursday was a hard day for me. This coming Monday, it will be 1 month since Hadley was here and went to Heaven and I'm struggling as it gets closer...
God knows I am. He expects me to. He knows my heart and exactly what I'm feeling, which is comforting. But, it still hurts like crazy.
Thursday night we were invited to an event hosted by the HEB school district that honored employees who have gone the "extra mile" for students, parents, faculty, etc. Tammie (Daniel's Mom) was being honored and recognized for the amazing job she did as school secretary of Bedford Heights Elementary. Amazing doesn't even cover it. She touched so many lives while she worked there. Her principal spoke about her and as her family we felt so honored to be there. They had a slideshow of pictures of our family going while he spoke and it was so wonderful and SO difficult at the same time. I am grateful to her principal and her school that they did this for us. It meant a lot to our family.
Yet, on the way home I was frustrated. I started my "why"ning act as I like to call it. I just kept looking out the car window as Daniel was driving us home and kept asking God over and over in my head...
Why is Hadley gone?
Why did Tammie get cancer?
Why can't Hadley still be safe inside me?
Why can't my husband have his mother here?
Why can't my sister-in-law have her mother here on her wedding day?
Why can't Briley grow up with her sister Hadley and her Nonnie?
Why can't I see Hadley go to kindergarten, or prom, or get married?
I was throwing it at Him. I started crying and prayed for him to give me some kind of insight as to WHY????????????????????? I wasn't feeling any better and turned on the radio and this song immediately came on...
I had never heard this version of "I can only imagine" before. With the orchestra and the words it is just amazing. I started thinking about what God was telling me with this song...
Tammie and Hadley are experiencing what you hear right now, but even more beautiful. They are in no pain. Tammie is taking care of our Hadley and she is so beautiful. Tammie didn't realize she could have even more joy in heaven...and then her grandchild arrived! I know you are hurting and I am here. I will always be. I know it is hard right now but imagine what is to come...
I felt peace.
I'm so glad God is taking care of me.