Wednesday, July 6, 2011


This next post was supposed to be part 3 of our trip and as much as I want to finish that post...I can't.  It has to wait.

I'm having a hard day.

I thought getting past Hadley's due date would make things a little easier, but they aren't.  I'm sitting here holding my sweet 2 year old while she sleeps and I'm longing to hold my Hadley too.  I imagined this summer being busy with a 2 year old and a newborn.  I dreamed about how Briley would be as a big sister and what she would think of having a baby in the house.  I mostly dreamed about seeing both of them grow up together, play together, share secrets, talk about boys, dream about their future together, and become best friends.  

You know the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle"?  Well, I disagree.  First of all God is not the one giving me pain.  Yes, his plan for Hadley was different than my own but who am I compared to his perfect plan?  God didn't take Hadley away from us because he knew we could "handle" it.  Honestly, I can't handle it and I can't stand that this happened.  But, she was never ours to begin with.  She has and always will be HIS.  The same for you and me.  God does everything for the good of us and all He is asking of me is to bring glory to Him.  

When I'm angry how quickly I forget that God gave His son to do what?  

Save me.

Save my family.

Save you.

Save Hadley.

My heart is breaking inside.  I'm hurting more than I can explain.  I have screamed out to God over and over again, "I can't do this...why is this happening to us....WHY??". 

Losing Hadley was/is more than I can handle.  But it's not about my grief or pain, it's about how I can bring glory to my God...even in times of sorrow.   

I'm remembering tonight that my grief is only temporary and HIS love is eternal.

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16

In Christ's Love,


Channan said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard day. I know the pain of living a life you thought would be different. To see our children grow up together is something we thought would happen. I wish that we didn't feel this. I wish that the girls were here. I wish that their big brother/sister would be able to watch out for them instead of the other way around. I hate this too Melissa. And I'm sorry you're going through this. I always come back to the "why this? why us? why her!?" I plead with God to just bring her back and I'll never want for more. If only we had one more day. Love you. Keep your chin up and know I'm here, going through every emotion with you. ;)

Tiffany & Tristan said...

I was doing my quiet time yesterday and you came to my mind so I stopped and prayed for you, now I know why. I love you and hate that you have to endure what no mother should. You're right about God not causing you this pain, his plan for us is never to be hurting but in the midst of pain and what Satan tends to harm us, destroy us, keep our lives on pause, God can come in and take that and turn it into something glorious. I know you will overcome and although your heart may never be 100 percent whole with out percious Hadley here on earth, it will slowly start to piece itself back together. If you ever need anything, call me.
Love you

The Anglin Family said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes because you are exactly right. I try myself to remember in the midst of these hard days I have, God is still the same.
I had all these plans for my sweet baby girl this spring and summer and since March the months and days have just rolled by and I just daydream sometimes about her in a sweet little ruffled bathing suit with the biggest bow, and loving on her brothers and sister. It just is so unfair, isnt it?
I just said a prayer for you and I will be thinking of you and Hadley today:) Hugs!

Deb said...

Praying for strength for you and your family as you continue on this journey. I'm struggling at this point too. Summer has provided a lot of quiet time and quiet time leads to a lot of thinking. May all this thinking provide healing.

Amanda said...

I look up to you so much friend! Know that you are still constantly in our prayers and that you are blessing others as you walk this road. Love you!